The bad, the good, and the scary.

In my last post, I shared how I wanted to turn to  worldly "solutions" to numb me from the pain I wanted to escape from (the bad), as well as the prompting I received, "There is healing in music" (the good). I left out another key part of my healing process, 'the scary'. 

Halloween (which happens to be my favorite holiday) seems to be a rather popular holiday in Utah as we have many haunted houses in the area that open in mid September and run through October. One of my items on my bucket list was to work in a haunted house, and in the fall of 2013, I did just that! I had bottled up anger and screams that I was itching to let out, and thanks to Nightmare on 13th, I was able to do that in a socially acceptable way and get paid to do it. There is something quite satisfying in instilling fear in another person and having them scream and flee from you. (Yes! I know how terrible it sounds, but it is in a safe and controlled environment, don't judge! lol.) Being able to scream, yell, and thrash around at the people walking through did more good for me in the months to follow, than it did to the paying customers seeking entertainment for just the one night.  As I was releasing my frustrations and negative energy at night in the haunt, I was regaining positive energy by reinforcing my hope and faith during the day in an LDS Institute choir class. For those who knew I was doing both quite contradicting things, they would often offer a 'heaven and hell' comparison inquiry to me. Though as differing both events were, I did not agree with the comparison; both activities were a necessary part of my healing process in addition to fulfilling personal desires of who I am as a person.

Maintaining a balance is important while on the road to recovery from any type of loss. While working in a haunted house may not be for everyone, there are alternative options to get that negative energy out; just don't forget to replace that energy with something positive! For some, maybe a form of exercise is the best way to get that energy out; I considered taking boxing. Another option might be therapy. Just don't forget that  you are of infinite worth and taking the time you need to better yourself is just as important as sleeping and eating everyday. Heavenly Father is willing to help you carry any burden that you will allow Him assistance. He loves you and wants you to be happy.

                                                      

The Hours Spent

This past week, I worked 60 hours between my 2 jobs. I have never done this before, and it made for a very stressful week. I've had ideas and thoughts floating around the back of my mind regarding what I wanted to share today, and the word 'hardships' popped in my head more than any other. I learned a few things after my long work week. 

1. I survived. (Even though there were a couple times I thought I would "die" or pass out from sheer exhaustion/thirst/hunger) 
2. I understand. I can say I've done it and be sympathetic toward others who have experienced it.
3. I don't ever want to do it again. 

As this list manifested in my mind, I realized how it also applies to a divorce. I went from being a home owner, to almost having to live out of my car. The few family members that would still speak to me, opened their homes to me so I wouldn't be homeless, though the living situations were not ideal for me to recover emotionally. I was promised a full time job, so I quit my part time job, just to become jobless for months. My car was my only form of transportation and my last option for shelter if needed, and it was in danger of being repossessed. I was physically assaulted by my then step father and was in fear of my physical safety. I had no friends during this time and had never felt more alone or isolated in my life. The tears that streamed down my face were frequent, and bitter. I was tempted to turn to worldly "solutions" to numb me from the seemingly unending pain I was feeling. At one point, I felt so dead inside, all I wanted to do was end everything altogether. I survived, but I wasn't living. I had never been more miserable in my life.

I was so low, that the only direction I could look, was up. This was also a trial of my faith. I had a recurring prompting,"There is healing in music." It took me awhile to act upon it, and when I did, I joined a local institute choir and I began to finally feel peace again. I returned to standing in holy places, and slowly but surly, the pain began to ebb away. I met people and participated in events that would help change my heart, and in the long run, my life. I had to reach out to Heavenly Father so he could lift me up, and I've found giving my will over to him has never made me more happy, though it was no easy task. My biggest trial so far in life has helped me be more compassionate and loving towards others in the same or similar circumstances, and I wouldn't trade that understanding for anything.

I can hope I will wear white again in the Temple of the Lord with a worthy man to be my eternal companion, but I also know there is always the possibility that I may never marry again in this life. My self worth and divine purpose is not linked to a marriage. I can be the person the Lord wants me to be whether or not I marry again. I know I have it in me to marry again, but I couldn't go through another divorce, it would destroy me, I don't ever want to do it again.

The hours spent in the hardships we encounter are to help us come out to be a better person in the end. Have faith in every footstep, and by bettering yourself, you can uplift other people along the way in this thing we call life.