The Little Things

Hello my lovelies! I apologize for my long hiatus. I had some spiritual and financial matters that needed to be tended to and I didn't want to write while I was angry or depressed. I appreciate your patience and can only hope that you find the coming posts worth it. You will notice that there are now Advertisements on here, that just means I have had enough readers bringing traffic to my page, and it is all thanks to you! Thank you for being there for me, I appreciate it!

Over the last few weeks, I've had new post ideas, I've been pondering where I want this to go, and been contemplating some changes. I was originally inspired to do a blog because of other inspirational LDS ladies, Lindsey Stirling and Al Fox just to name a couple. They have some amazing stories, and I also wanted to share my story, but I've found I don't want to dwell on my sob story; Lindsey and Al don't, so why should I? I called this blog 'The Divorced Utah Mormon' drawing on Al's 'The Tattooed Mormon', but she didn't call herself that, the public did, and she doesn't want to be known by that label, and I no longer want to go by mine. My divorce story is my starting point, but my actual story continues into other chapters and volumes. The only thing constant in life, is change, and even though I've had some very hard times, those trials have brought upon some of the sweetest blessings I've ever had. 

Over the course of my life, I've found it's the little things that truly matter and make the biggest difference; so me labeling myself as the 'Divorced Utah Mormon' is only preventing myself from progressing into who Heavenly Father wants me to be. What are little things you can do in your life that will stop putting yourself down and start building yourself, and others up? 

                                                      

The Last Days; which side will you choose?

I've basically had a hard life from the get go. After my divorce, I had to rediscover who I was, and when I did, I thought I couldn't be broken down again. I was wrong. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was, why would my divorce make that any different?

 I have always been a sensitive and emotional vessel; not in the sense that I cry easily, because I don't, but that I feel any emotion very strongly. I adapt to the environment and people around me too easily, and I sometimes lose myself if it's too much for me to handle. Most people refer to this as being an empath. I would refer myself as a desensitized empath, which honestly could be very dangerous in the wrong person. In most empaths, violence can render an individual to actually be sick because they feel the victims pain so strongly. When I was younger, I was much more sensitive and seeing any form of brutality terrified me. As an adult, violence has become somewhat of a stress reliever for me in the form of playing a video game or watching a horror film. Over the years, I've learned how to read people, get people to trust me, and even how to be manipulative; when I realized this, I was legitimately scared. Having that kind of power could be evil if I abused it, and I was in fear of giving in to my dark side and being capable of terrible things. 

HA! I seriously couldn't help myself. 

Knowing I have all this capacity to do ill, I also have a greater capacity to do good. I know this, Satan knows this, and Heavenly Father knows this. I also know over the years, there has been quite the battle over my 'destiny', if you will. 

I got my Patriarchal Blessing when I was 17 and that was a defining moment in my life. Two things happened that particularly stood out and from what I understand, it doesn't happen to many people, members included. First, God himself actually spoke to me personally during my blessing, and Second, I was told that I am one "of the noble and great ones;" Abraham 3: 22 & 23; an elect chosen by Heavenly Father himself. There have often been times I've wondered, "Why me?"

I know that my bouts of depression and being suicidal is one of the many ways Satan is trying to prevent me from doing great good in my life, but without the bad, I wouldn't know the good. We are now living in such dark and perilous times, and the battle for the sway of being good today will be harder now more than ever. We can no longer sit on the sidelines and do nothing. Doing nothing is as bad as the people doing the evil in the world; you have to consciously choose to be the difference for good in the last days. 

Please take a few minutes to watch this video.

Which side will you choose?

                                                      

The Hours Spent

This past week, I worked 60 hours between my 2 jobs. I have never done this before, and it made for a very stressful week. I've had ideas and thoughts floating around the back of my mind regarding what I wanted to share today, and the word 'hardships' popped in my head more than any other. I learned a few things after my long work week. 

1. I survived. (Even though there were a couple times I thought I would "die" or pass out from sheer exhaustion/thirst/hunger) 
2. I understand. I can say I've done it and be sympathetic toward others who have experienced it.
3. I don't ever want to do it again. 

As this list manifested in my mind, I realized how it also applies to a divorce. I went from being a home owner, to almost having to live out of my car. The few family members that would still speak to me, opened their homes to me so I wouldn't be homeless, though the living situations were not ideal for me to recover emotionally. I was promised a full time job, so I quit my part time job, just to become jobless for months. My car was my only form of transportation and my last option for shelter if needed, and it was in danger of being repossessed. I was physically assaulted by my then step father and was in fear of my physical safety. I had no friends during this time and had never felt more alone or isolated in my life. The tears that streamed down my face were frequent, and bitter. I was tempted to turn to worldly "solutions" to numb me from the seemingly unending pain I was feeling. At one point, I felt so dead inside, all I wanted to do was end everything altogether. I survived, but I wasn't living. I had never been more miserable in my life.

I was so low, that the only direction I could look, was up. This was also a trial of my faith. I had a recurring prompting,"There is healing in music." It took me awhile to act upon it, and when I did, I joined a local institute choir and I began to finally feel peace again. I returned to standing in holy places, and slowly but surly, the pain began to ebb away. I met people and participated in events that would help change my heart, and in the long run, my life. I had to reach out to Heavenly Father so he could lift me up, and I've found giving my will over to him has never made me more happy, though it was no easy task. My biggest trial so far in life has helped me be more compassionate and loving towards others in the same or similar circumstances, and I wouldn't trade that understanding for anything.

I can hope I will wear white again in the Temple of the Lord with a worthy man to be my eternal companion, but I also know there is always the possibility that I may never marry again in this life. My self worth and divine purpose is not linked to a marriage. I can be the person the Lord wants me to be whether or not I marry again. I know I have it in me to marry again, but I couldn't go through another divorce, it would destroy me, I don't ever want to do it again.

The hours spent in the hardships we encounter are to help us come out to be a better person in the end. Have faith in every footstep, and by bettering yourself, you can uplift other people along the way in this thing we call life.

                                                      

The Prompting

I was 21 when I discovered I enjoyed writing more than I thought I would, I found I wasn't bad at it, either. I was bored at work, sitting in the snack bar of the country club, waiting for a member to drive by in their golf cart to come get some lunch or a drink, when I came across a pad of paper and pen. Normally, my go-to bored thing to do would have been doodling, instead, I felt the desire to write. Nature has always encouraged me to be more in tune with the Spirit, and the quiet beauty of the seemingly still golf course was an awe inspiring wonder to me of the hands who made this earth. It was in this moment I felt the Spirit confirm to me that I had a story to share with others, my story. The details weren't clear then, but they definitely are now. It has been 6 years since that summer and I now know exactly what I'm sharing, my post-divorce spiritual journey.

Please join me every week as I share my journey towards hope, acceptance and forgiveness. I want you to know you are never alone. Christ has bore the pains of this world and I know He has felt my anguish, my loneliness, my heartache, my bitter tears, and my darkness; He has felt yours, too. He loves you, and I love you. Never forget who you are and that you have a divine purpose on this earth.