The Last Days; which side will you choose?

I've basically had a hard life from the get go. After my divorce, I had to rediscover who I was, and when I did, I thought I couldn't be broken down again. I was wrong. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was, why would my divorce make that any different?

 I have always been a sensitive and emotional vessel; not in the sense that I cry easily, because I don't, but that I feel any emotion very strongly. I adapt to the environment and people around me too easily, and I sometimes lose myself if it's too much for me to handle. Most people refer to this as being an empath. I would refer myself as a desensitized empath, which honestly could be very dangerous in the wrong person. In most empaths, violence can render an individual to actually be sick because they feel the victims pain so strongly. When I was younger, I was much more sensitive and seeing any form of brutality terrified me. As an adult, violence has become somewhat of a stress reliever for me in the form of playing a video game or watching a horror film. Over the years, I've learned how to read people, get people to trust me, and even how to be manipulative; when I realized this, I was legitimately scared. Having that kind of power could be evil if I abused it, and I was in fear of giving in to my dark side and being capable of terrible things. 

HA! I seriously couldn't help myself. 

Knowing I have all this capacity to do ill, I also have a greater capacity to do good. I know this, Satan knows this, and Heavenly Father knows this. I also know over the years, there has been quite the battle over my 'destiny', if you will. 

I got my Patriarchal Blessing when I was 17 and that was a defining moment in my life. Two things happened that particularly stood out and from what I understand, it doesn't happen to many people, members included. First, God himself actually spoke to me personally during my blessing, and Second, I was told that I am one "of the noble and great ones;" Abraham 3: 22 & 23; an elect chosen by Heavenly Father himself. There have often been times I've wondered, "Why me?"

I know that my bouts of depression and being suicidal is one of the many ways Satan is trying to prevent me from doing great good in my life, but without the bad, I wouldn't know the good. We are now living in such dark and perilous times, and the battle for the sway of being good today will be harder now more than ever. We can no longer sit on the sidelines and do nothing. Doing nothing is as bad as the people doing the evil in the world; you have to consciously choose to be the difference for good in the last days. 

Please take a few minutes to watch this video.

Which side will you choose?

                                                      

The Reflection in the Mirror.

Today would have been my 6 year anniversary. By this time in my life, I thought I'd be blissfully happy in love, being a stay at home mom to adorable rugrats running around our little cottage style home. That dream was so close, I could taste it, just to have my whole world flipped upside down. The last two years have hands down been the most difficult yet amazing years of my life! I have been so blessed, and I forget to be grateful for them sometimes. I've had more dreams fulfilled since my divorce, than my whole life before hand: singing for/to General Authorities of the Church, working in a Haunted House, rescuing a dog, moving out on my own, and getting a job at K9 Lifeline, just to name a few! I've seen the best and worst that humanity has to offer: being dropped by people (family and 'friends') who I thought cared about me, which in turn taught me that the only people you can truly depend on are yourself, and God. Complete strangers or people I barely knew who taught me selflessness by putting gas in my car, giving me money so I could feed myself and my animals, or just giving me food/any necessities I needed to get by. It's more clear now than ever where I need to head in life. 

We live in such a loud world, that we forget to listen. We forget to listen to whispered promptings, beautiful music, wind rustling through the grass, to our hearts, to each other. I've been rather pensive the last couple days. Here's a description of an experience I had the other day:
On my way home in between my shifts, I came upon a rather nasty multi car collision accident. I saw the main smashed car.... I wouldn't be surprised if someone died. Since I had to take a detour home, and I had $5 in my pocket, I figured I'd stop somewhere and get a quick lunch. I decided on Taco Bell. It happened to be insanely busy, both in the lobby and drive thru. I choose to go inside. I was watching all the people, and listening to the overlapping conversations; everyone going about their day as normal, unaware of the horrific accident just under a quarter mile away. It made me ponder how life really can change in an instant and how we take the mundane routine for granted.... it just takes one moment to shake that routine up - for better or worse. As I waited for my name to be called, I was listening to a man behind me obscenely complaining about the wait. Clearly you could see it was busy! If he was that eager to go, he should have not ordered in the first place and gone elsewhere. I watched as a sweet and rather patient young woman call out the names of the customers before me, and saying, "Sorry for the wait." as if it was her fault. None of the men said 'thank you', they responded with curt responses such as, "Took long enough!" and "I can finally get the #^&% outta here!" Then she called me up, and apologized. I told her there was nothing to apologize for and if anything, I'm sorry they're so busy. She seemed taken aback and said, "Thank you for understanding." and went back to the line. I decided to stay and eat my tacos, the restaurant began to slow down. The man who took my order noticed I stayed and struck up a conversation. During our small talk, a mother with 2 young daughters attempted to come into the restaurant with one of them throwing a screaming/crying fit. Clearly she was tired! You could see the other patrons glare in their direction. The mother was trying to calm her down and the child was just done. They stayed outside trying to figure it out and I simply said, "It's nap time." The man started talking about his daughters, and then asked if I had any kids. Obviously, I do not. He then asked if I wanted to have kids and I can't remember my exact response was, but I said something along the lines of 'if I get to a point in my life where it's a possibility, I'd like to' (talking to me about having kids is a sensitive subject for me). He then asked me if I was married, and I told him I was not. He returned by giving me a face that screamed, "WHY?". I told him I was actually divorced and then he took his walls down by talking about how him and his wife are currently struggling. He claimed that he doesn't like being alone (honestly, who does? It actually DOES suck), and I told him, "I've found you need to learn to be happy by yourself in order to be truly happy in a relationship." I then had to go, bid him farewell, walked out the door and saw the mother still attempting to convince and calm her daughter down so they could eat. I then got in my car and left.
My thoughts: I worked in fast food for about a year a couple years ago. During my time at Taco Bell the other day, I saw the customers treat the employees like they were an object, like they were another item or extension of the building; like how I had been treated at Arbys years before. We dehumanize people by not treating them like people. We are human beings with struggles, feelings, and desires; which we ALL have. Nowadays, we (especially us 1st world privileged people) take life for granted. Being kind to others, especially strangers, goes a LONG way! Both in your life, and theirs. That day spoke volumes to me on how everyone we meet might be lonely and just needs to be listened to, or that we can't judge the parent of a screaming child because they may be tired. Or they are sick. Or have autism. We don't know, so don't assume the parent can't 'control' their child.... how rude! What we see in others, is a reflection of what we see in ourselves. If you see good, you are good, if you see bad, you probably have some things you need to work on. Tell people you love them, don't procrastinate your dreams or the steps to a future you want. Let pride and anger go. Let's make our towns better places to live in by being the good in it. We all will have a time in our lives where everything seems to be pulled out from underneath us. We will see the true colors of those around us and it will strengthen or dissolve relationships. We need to quiet the chaos around us so we can pay attention to our needs, and to the needs of those around us who may be struggling. When you are lost, the best way to find yourself is to get immersed in lifting those who are down around you. Life isn't designed to go they way you have planned, it's designed to go the way God has planned. Never lose Faith in his path for you, it always leads to greater happiness than you can envision for yourself.

                                            

The bad, the good, and the scary.

In my last post, I shared how I wanted to turn to  worldly "solutions" to numb me from the pain I wanted to escape from (the bad), as well as the prompting I received, "There is healing in music" (the good). I left out another key part of my healing process, 'the scary'. 

Halloween (which happens to be my favorite holiday) seems to be a rather popular holiday in Utah as we have many haunted houses in the area that open in mid September and run through October. One of my items on my bucket list was to work in a haunted house, and in the fall of 2013, I did just that! I had bottled up anger and screams that I was itching to let out, and thanks to Nightmare on 13th, I was able to do that in a socially acceptable way and get paid to do it. There is something quite satisfying in instilling fear in another person and having them scream and flee from you. (Yes! I know how terrible it sounds, but it is in a safe and controlled environment, don't judge! lol.) Being able to scream, yell, and thrash around at the people walking through did more good for me in the months to follow, than it did to the paying customers seeking entertainment for just the one night.  As I was releasing my frustrations and negative energy at night in the haunt, I was regaining positive energy by reinforcing my hope and faith during the day in an LDS Institute choir class. For those who knew I was doing both quite contradicting things, they would often offer a 'heaven and hell' comparison inquiry to me. Though as differing both events were, I did not agree with the comparison; both activities were a necessary part of my healing process in addition to fulfilling personal desires of who I am as a person.

Maintaining a balance is important while on the road to recovery from any type of loss. While working in a haunted house may not be for everyone, there are alternative options to get that negative energy out; just don't forget to replace that energy with something positive! For some, maybe a form of exercise is the best way to get that energy out; I considered taking boxing. Another option might be therapy. Just don't forget that  you are of infinite worth and taking the time you need to better yourself is just as important as sleeping and eating everyday. Heavenly Father is willing to help you carry any burden that you will allow Him assistance. He loves you and wants you to be happy.

                                                      

The Hours Spent

This past week, I worked 60 hours between my 2 jobs. I have never done this before, and it made for a very stressful week. I've had ideas and thoughts floating around the back of my mind regarding what I wanted to share today, and the word 'hardships' popped in my head more than any other. I learned a few things after my long work week. 

1. I survived. (Even though there were a couple times I thought I would "die" or pass out from sheer exhaustion/thirst/hunger) 
2. I understand. I can say I've done it and be sympathetic toward others who have experienced it.
3. I don't ever want to do it again. 

As this list manifested in my mind, I realized how it also applies to a divorce. I went from being a home owner, to almost having to live out of my car. The few family members that would still speak to me, opened their homes to me so I wouldn't be homeless, though the living situations were not ideal for me to recover emotionally. I was promised a full time job, so I quit my part time job, just to become jobless for months. My car was my only form of transportation and my last option for shelter if needed, and it was in danger of being repossessed. I was physically assaulted by my then step father and was in fear of my physical safety. I had no friends during this time and had never felt more alone or isolated in my life. The tears that streamed down my face were frequent, and bitter. I was tempted to turn to worldly "solutions" to numb me from the seemingly unending pain I was feeling. At one point, I felt so dead inside, all I wanted to do was end everything altogether. I survived, but I wasn't living. I had never been more miserable in my life.

I was so low, that the only direction I could look, was up. This was also a trial of my faith. I had a recurring prompting,"There is healing in music." It took me awhile to act upon it, and when I did, I joined a local institute choir and I began to finally feel peace again. I returned to standing in holy places, and slowly but surly, the pain began to ebb away. I met people and participated in events that would help change my heart, and in the long run, my life. I had to reach out to Heavenly Father so he could lift me up, and I've found giving my will over to him has never made me more happy, though it was no easy task. My biggest trial so far in life has helped me be more compassionate and loving towards others in the same or similar circumstances, and I wouldn't trade that understanding for anything.

I can hope I will wear white again in the Temple of the Lord with a worthy man to be my eternal companion, but I also know there is always the possibility that I may never marry again in this life. My self worth and divine purpose is not linked to a marriage. I can be the person the Lord wants me to be whether or not I marry again. I know I have it in me to marry again, but I couldn't go through another divorce, it would destroy me, I don't ever want to do it again.

The hours spent in the hardships we encounter are to help us come out to be a better person in the end. Have faith in every footstep, and by bettering yourself, you can uplift other people along the way in this thing we call life.

                                                      

The Prompting

I was 21 when I discovered I enjoyed writing more than I thought I would, I found I wasn't bad at it, either. I was bored at work, sitting in the snack bar of the country club, waiting for a member to drive by in their golf cart to come get some lunch or a drink, when I came across a pad of paper and pen. Normally, my go-to bored thing to do would have been doodling, instead, I felt the desire to write. Nature has always encouraged me to be more in tune with the Spirit, and the quiet beauty of the seemingly still golf course was an awe inspiring wonder to me of the hands who made this earth. It was in this moment I felt the Spirit confirm to me that I had a story to share with others, my story. The details weren't clear then, but they definitely are now. It has been 6 years since that summer and I now know exactly what I'm sharing, my post-divorce spiritual journey.

Please join me every week as I share my journey towards hope, acceptance and forgiveness. I want you to know you are never alone. Christ has bore the pains of this world and I know He has felt my anguish, my loneliness, my heartache, my bitter tears, and my darkness; He has felt yours, too. He loves you, and I love you. Never forget who you are and that you have a divine purpose on this earth.